Toxic Love

Not all forms of love are acceptable, simply because love is involved. We’ve been told that accepting our partner’s personality is an essential and necessary requirement for the relationship to thrive; however, this premise is valid only as long as “that personality” does not threaten the physical and/or psychological safety of those around them.

This may seem obvious, but it isn’t so obvious to those who are obsessed with love—who, driven by a masochistic mindset stemming from their deep fear of being alone, resort to self-deception with all sorts of excuses to downplay or dilute the true gravity of the situation, for example, in situations involving aggression, mistrust, or a lack of affection toward themselves, their children, family members, etc…

Let’s admit that some excuses may be valid; however, if the happiness of the person we love is inversely proportional to our own, something is wrong.

Personality traits define the emotional profile that gives rise to a modus operandi—a dynamic of emotional exchange.

Emotional styles are ways of processing feelings and emotions. This processing stems from how I see myself and how I perceive others and the world. Based on this combination of factors, the mind creates a style that tends to become a pattern in all relationships.

A paranoid person will see themselves as vulnerable to others. They will perceive the world as too dangerous and people as potentially malicious.

This view of his own reality and that of others will lead him to be on the defensive and ready to counterattack. This will be true in all areas of life, including his personal relationships.

He or she will think that their partner wants to take advantage of them, that their partner might be unfaithful, and that it’s better not to open up emotionally because that would mean letting their guard down and leaving themselves at the mercy of the other person’s bad intentions.

They will feel an irresistible urge to watch, scrutinize, and monitor every action of the person they claim to love, and will withhold information they consider relevant in order to maintain their position of control.

Toxic relationships aren’t isolated cases in a mental hospital; these men and women walk among us, carrying their pathology with them, casting their nets and luring romantic followers.

Who gets hooked on these ideas? Those whose shortcomings are seemingly made up for by the person who perpetuates the toxic relationship.

For example, distrustful people often see the paranoid individual as a way to form a curious kind of strategic alliance to protect themselves from a hostile world. Similarly, someone who is shy and very introverted will perceive the social isolation of the vigilant individual as a happy coincidence.

The problem arises shortly thereafter, when, once hooked, the nightmare of controlling behavior sets in.

It’s better to be safe than sorry and to be mindful before falling head over heels. It’s clear that love alone isn’t enough; we have to weigh the pros and cons and, above all, figure out whether some romantic advances could actually hurt us.

There’s no need to get obsessed… just stay on the lookout, at least until the candidate shows their hand, and then, if everything goes well, step on the gas; but if things don’t look good, slam on the brakes and get out—no regrets, no second thoughts.

Social media is a source of conflict for people like this, since the basis of their power lies in isolating their potential partner. Of course, they’ll fight back online with the typical threatening jabs that, unfortunately, do occur—though no more so than in any other activity that doesn’t require the internet.

Communication is the only remedy that can make them realize that their behavior causes anyone with even a modicum of intelligence and a positive outlook to reject them, in addition to making them appear primitive in a world where individual freedom of action is increasingly valued as the true path to emotional and social balance and stability.