Sex, Love, and Infidelity Online

The internet helps eliminate the isolation or misunderstanding that people experience due to their age, beliefs, geographic location, etc., and allows virtual groups and associations of all kinds to emerge, with the clear goal of connecting with others who share their same interests.

Finding love is difficult, because coordinating the day, time, and place where the person we want to meet happens to be is hard work—and when combined with the stress of what we call our daily routine, it can lead to one disappointment after another. The internet offers a significant platform for self-promotion and a vast number of profiles to match with our search.

What used to be achieved through friends, family, and strategic locations can now be accomplished in half an hour in front of a computer screen. Of course, it’s no miracle, nor is it advisable to believe everything posted online, but it is a solution—or at least a source of hope—for many people. However, the fantasy world presented on the web can lead those caught up in it to view real life as monotonous and boring—a world where it’s impossible to access the incredible amount of intimacy and privacy that can be found online.

On the other hand, the anonymity we enjoy as virtual users of online communities means that the issue of infidelity or flirting has taken on more shades than just black and white. Today, on dating sites or in chat rooms, lives that exist only virtually are used as outlets during identity crises or as virtual games to combat boredom. The internet is no longer just a way to stay connected to the world and its evolution; it has become part of our identity—or identities—and, much like in *Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde*, it’s quite normal to have a real self and a virtual self, with transformations that would be unimaginable to many.

There are quite a few couples who argue over one partner’s escapades on what we might call “flirting” social media sites. “Virtual cheating” is a new phenomenon that fills jealous partners with suspicion and uncertainty, but allows Don Juans and Juliets to live out their romantic or salacious adventures without feeling like they’re betraying any promises or ethical standards, since the fog of the internet leaves their sins in limbo—including “offline” encounters.

Online sex… a risky pursuit:

The Internet offers many tools for meeting people, flirting, and so on… but you have to be careful: just like in real life, not everything is what it seems.

If we join the “Sex” group on Facebook, we’ll see that the people who join this community don’t beat around the bush, and there are constant complaints.

There are thousands of messages exchanged, and the online flirt rarely opens up; although they may present a concise picture of their tastes, anthropological curiosity—that is, an intellectual approach to personal relationships—simply does not exist, since their main goal is“sex.”

For example, there’s a 38-year-old who doesn’t hesitate to reveal his marital status: “I’m looking for excitement, a connection, and great sex, fun, and a lot of discretion because I have a partner and he doesn’t like infidelity.” Do you get it?…

They often say that they’ve met up with several couples using this method and that they always meet at hotels, unless they have an apartment.

In these sex groups, the profile picture almost never matches the actual user (obviously). A word of warning: the content may be appealing, but it can be disappointing—if you’re looking for a quick fling… watch out!!

Some people use social media as a way to spice up the seduction process, whether through words expressing their thoughts and fantasies or by hearing and seeing each other via webcam during long-distance sexual encounters.

More and more people are falling prey to virtual relationships, since going online makes it easy to make connections but can also lead to a state of dependence on the constant search for new ones.

Romantic dating network:

The global information network has become a new way of forming romantic relationships that, while they do not involve physical contact (at least at first), are nonetheless highly sexual in nature.

What motivates people to form virtual connections?

There are many reasons—for example, feeling lonely, being shy, having poor interpersonal skills, being in a troubled relationship, not feeling understood by one’s current partner, being addicted to or obsessed with the internet, or simply for fun…In short, having time, a computer, and the desire to look.

In fact, “online” affairs often involve the same kinds of thoughts and emotions as any other relationship, including secrets, fantasies, excitement, frustrations, denial, and/or rationalization; therefore, they can have a devastating impact on other relationships that are ongoing at the same time—whether romantic, familial, professional, or friendships.

Online dating has its own platforms; some are free, while others charge a monthly fee and are a bit more serious. On these sites, users chat until they arrange a first date. It can take months to take this step. It’s normal to have quite a few encounters and many surprises; the internet makes it easier to present the ideal version of ourselves, even if we’re not always aware of it. Some post a photo from ten years ago; others have a photo next to a fancy car that doesn’t belong to them, or list educational credentials that aren’t real, etc.—and of course, when you arrive at the date, you might just run away.

Falling in love with a virtual character can be a huge disappointment if the person you meet in real life doesn’t resemble the person you met online.

It’s best to establish a protocol for these meetings—something like drinks or coffee—as a way to get to know each other, and save dinners or lunches for when you really click with the person.

Although it’s not all negative—many couples have formed through these searches—the problem may stem from each person’s specific expectations, so a reasonable degree of caution is a good starting point for finding not only love but also friendship.

Virtual infidelity:

When infidelity occurs online, the person committing it believes that as long as it isn’t physical, it isn’t cheating and, therefore, they aren’t doing anything wrong to their partner. However, the person who has been betrayed feels just as hurt, though they may hesitate to forgive because it was only virtual cheating.

The truth is that the bond formed “online” is full of intimacy, feelings, and emotions, and these can lead to genuine, lasting romantic relationships.

The consequences of this phenomenon are countless, and many remain unknown. The fact is that for the victims of this deception, it is not that difficult to prove cyber-adultery, since it is easy to obtain copies of the emails.

Online relationships have a high likelihood of straining or completely destroying a couple, even if that wasn’t the original intention. Many people have ended their formal relationships with their partners after forming real-life relationships with people they met online. The fact is, the internet is a window that allows us to fantasize about the possibility of making our desires a reality, regardless of how happy they might make us.

Fantasy or real love?

According to Dr. Marlene Maheu, an American author of *Internet Infidelity*, 75 million people worldwide engage in sexual activity online. This raises a number of questions, such as: Is it possible to fall in love with someone you’ve never met in person? Are you being unfaithful to your partner, or does infidelity only count if there is physical contact?

According to psychological studies, people may fantasize about being in love because they are under the illusion that the person on the other side of the screen understands them at the very core of their being, just as they had always wanted.

Since the interaction takes place through a machine, inhibitions are set aside and the most beautiful—or perverse—intentions emerge unmasked, creating in both parties a sense of hope and a desire to transform that complicity into the ideal love that will fill the void of loneliness.

It is also important to keep in mind that, as human beings, we have a need to love and be loved, and this drives us to seek out our soulmate by any means necessary.

Recommendations:

Feeling that someone online is sympathetic doesn’t mean there’s actually any understanding. It’s important to keep in mind that both you and other people “online” likely have deep, unmet needs and may be creating the illusion of finding our “soul mate.”

Whenever possible, do not provide confidential information (phone number, home or work address) or personal information that could be misused.

Keep in mind that the more insistent a person is on getting to know us, the greater the chance of encountering an unpleasant surprise.

Unless you’re in a serious crisis with your partner, the best way to rekindle the passion within is to rethink all aspects of the relationship, grounding them in reality rather than in the virtual world or fantasy.