Choosing as a Couple

“Love at first sight” is a popular saying that tops the list of what people look for when choosing a partner; both men and women seek a partner based on certain physical traits, either unconsciously or, in some cases, guided by the fashion trends of the moment. Physical appearance is undoubtedly the trigger for that initial attraction, but if you’re looking for something more lasting than a fleeting fling, this initial attraction is often accompanied by a multitude of unknowns that can derail the relationship if you don’t fully understand that relationships today aren’t “until death do us part.”

What are we looking for?

Men look for attractive women with well-proportioned features, while women, for their part, look for strong men with masculine and attractive features. Likewise, men find women who smile frequently more attractive, unlike women, who find serious men more attractive. It is also common for men to feel more comfortable with women who are 2 to 4 years younger than they are, while the opposite is true for women, who tend to seek out more mature men.

Couples complement each other—where one has a strong personality and the other a slightly milder one—since like repels like and opposites attract, but most couples look for partners within their social circle, with the same educational or professional background, so they can share the same environment and not find it difficult to adapt to a different lifestyle; a stable financial situation where money matters don’t end up weighing more heavily than love at any point.

They shouldn’t be insecure or dependent on their parents; they should be able to make their own decisions and take risks. Men today are looking for women who are financially independent—not as a burden, but as a complement to mutual financial stability. Men focus more on physical appearance; they seek beautiful and attractive women, without neglecting education, but who are also physically fit, tender, and self-sacrificing.

Women today are looking for men who are well-educated, sociable, attentive, and committed in their intimate relationships—men who respect their tastes, friendships, and work. It’s almost a myth that money is a priority for women when looking for a partner; women are looking for people with whom they “click,” that is, who share common interests or have similar outlooks on the future. The purpose of a relationship is for partners to complement one another, seeking and walking together under the banner of happiness. There are thousands of love stories, though they don’t necessarily follow a list of requirements; yet it’s common to see people who are in love yet deeply unhappy. Perhaps the ease with which lovers compromise in the face of unfair situations reveals the loneliness they’re experiencing—and if they don’t confront it, they will undoubtedly continue to suffer.

In a romantic relationship, one should:

-Accepting yourself:

Couples who spend their lives trying to change each other because there’s an endless list of things that don’t mesh are bound to end up on the wrong foot. Without setting aside the need to work together to resolve the issues that cause tension or problems, accepting your partner is a feeling of shared intimacy in love. There must be things in common—hobbies, habits… Generally speaking, people seek out partners who are similar to them in personality; adaptation means that we have to learn to live together as a couple, always respecting each other’s individual preferences.

-Respect, giving, and receiving: Respect is the key ingredient in lasting relationships. Nothing can exist without respect for differences in thought or taste. “I love you, and that’s why I respect you.” In romantic relationships, there must be reciprocity in the effort to seek harmony; it is not a matter of economics, but rather respect for the path you decide to take together, in addition to your own.

-Trust: Acting like a spy and invading your partner’s privacy and personal space creates significant emotional instability. Understand that being in a relationship does not mean giving up control over your own life or that your partner’s life belongs to you.

-Sex: Talking about sex is just as important as having it; talking about everything without fear helps make our intimate moments more and more like what we enjoy and what we need.

-Love, yes… suffocation, no: Love is the feeling of mutual fulfillment and connection between two human beings, but if it turns into a need to possess the other person in order to breathe, it becomes a millstone around the neck, because it leaves no room for the personal space we all need, regardless of how much love we feel.

– Argue with empathy: They say that conversations start with dialogue and end in arguments, but as with everything, there are different levels. Learning to discuss issues when something isn’t right doesn’t mean you have to resort to yelling or insults. Communication as a couple means reaching agreements where both partners are satisfied with the decisions made, and to do that, it’s essential to be empathetic toward each other’s points of view.

-Experiment: Don’t go through every day following the same routine. Even if you can’t change your daily life, try doing things with a twist—a different activity, such as going for walks, watching movies, or enjoying tapas—that you can also do on your own, but that, when done as a couple, create moments of closeness and connection.

-Dreaming and sharing: What could be more important than dreaming together? Planning our short-, medium-, and long-term dreams, always striving to make them a reality, and enjoying them without getting hung up on the obstacles that may have arisen along the way. Harmony in a relationship comes from sharing dreams and hopes and from wanting to walk together. Being there for each other during important and meaningful moments, as well as in everyday activities.

-Always Boyfriend and Girlfriend: There is no husband, wife, or partner—only boyfriend and girlfriend, winning each other over day by day. One thing that changes romantic relationships is the name we give them; the stages of dating are generally considered the happiest moments in a relationship. A good motto is “to live”—and to do so without fear or recrimination, striving to protect your love above all else. No matter how difficult a problem may be, there’s nothing that commitment and the desire to make a relationship work can’t solve.

-Being happy: There is a big difference between being happy and making someone else happy: being happy is a feeling of fulfillment, while making someone else happy is understood as a commitment to bring joy to another person. You choose to be happy; it is not a commitment. Happiness is something that is shared when it is genuine and mutual.

Things to do to annoy your partner (or drive them crazy):

-Discouraging your partner: Disappointing your partner or holding them back is not the same as caring about them, especially when they ask for your support in pursuing their goals or dreams. As long as it’s not a completely reckless idea, holding them back will cause the relationship to suffer in the long run; paradoxically, giving your partner more freedom often brings them closer to you.

-Doubting the other person’s feelings: In a happy relationship, both partners know what they mean to each other. Constant doubt undermines the bond; communication is key to minimizing insecurities and doubts. Jealousy can be exciting at first, but if it persists, it creates a suffocating feeling and generally undermines the stability that is essential in a relationship.

-Sweeping problems under the rug: If you hide your feelings or problems, the other person won’t know what’s going on, so things won’t get better. Not everything in a relationship is going to be wonderful, but the challenges you face together will make you stronger as individuals and as a couple. You can’t solve any problem unless you face it head-on, and mature couples have adult discussions and reach conclusions.

-Snooping: One of the keys to a relationship is trust. There shouldn’t be any need to set a password on your phone or delete your Facebook history. People who trust their partner should be an open book to the other person, so there would be no need to hide things.

-Bringing up the past: We all have a past that has shaped who we are today. Some experiences have been positive, and others not so much. Using someone else’s dirty laundry as an argument in discussions or as an excuse to start a fight isn’t the way to fix anything.

-Letting the relationship stagnate: Intimacy in bed is often built from the outside in, through romantic gestures and displays of affection, so that each person knows what they mean to the other—regardless of how long they’ve been together. Happiness in relationships is built on communication, trust, loyalty, and mutual respect, but boredom is a virus that can sometimes be fatal.