The Mistress

The mistress…“the other woman,” “the femme fatale,” is seen by society as an unscrupulous person who openly flouts ethical and moral standards.

Always seen as the bone of contention between happy spouses, the one who calls into question perfect family bliss. In more “liberal” societies, mistresses were “the unloved ones”; they were treated as second-class women, in a clear act of discrimination against them, despite the tolerance shown toward minorities in other sectors who were frowned upon or discriminated against.

Is the mistress’s negative image justified when, in any case, it requires the willingness of both parties? Is it possible to shake up stable relationships with deep roots? Or were there already cracks undermining them?… Are extramarital affairs the only reason for a breakup? Or are they just one of many escape routes for a couple who no longer feel passion, attraction, etc.— a secret lover?

The mistress rarely defends herself because she is torn between reason and the heart, between the light and the darkness of a relationship that won’t let her come up for air, forcing her to remain in the shadows, fearing the scorn of a society that, moreover, does not understand the emotional pain suffered by the mistress of a married man. That love can only exist because of her self-sacrifice and her refusal to demand a commitment.

They end up facing agonizing contradictions, and in any case, it is she who bears all the consequences and disadvantages of the relationship—in society and, at times, in their own lives. The fate—or double life—of a mistress is by no means easy to bear: here as a liberated single woman… there as a discreet companion, and always with the hope of a life together in the future.

How do they cope with living in hiding?

Mistresses generally exhibit two completely opposite behaviors: a more understanding and tolerant attitude versus the demanding and proactive one attributed to the “wicked seductress.”

“Understanding” mistresses give themselves over without complaint; they naturally resign themselves to a fate that, while offering certain advantages and erotic excitement, also bears clear signs of self-discrimination. They do not force a decision or a breakup (they fear the boomerang effect that would result from putting him between a rock and a hard place), and in many cases, they do not even want one (they feel guilty because their partners have children and do not want to create conflict with them).

The “active-demanding” lover struggles to win over her beloved, raising the stakes higher and higher in this “ranking,” and thus demands that her beloved take a more prominent role and show greater commitment, regardless of the circumstances. Although they may seem selfish, they are certain that their love must be reciprocated exclusively, and to that end, they do not hesitate to break the spell of that passion if they are not in the dominant position.

Distance matters…

The lover of the “near-impossible”:

The obligation to keep a relationship secret—and the fact that the mistress has to sneak in through the back door—is one of the most distressing aspects of extramarital affairs, both for him and for the “mistress.”

The world of “The Mistress” represents only a small part of reality, because even if the lover manages to sneak away for seven hours a week to be with her, that amounts to a mere fifteen days in an entire year.

We understand, then, that for the remaining 350 days—according to this calculation—the “Lover” spends her time thinking, longing… while at the same time grumbling and cursing that love that seems possible yet unattainable.

The fact is that, when it comes to this “matter,” they refuse to have a frank conversation with their wife, no matter how hard their lover tries to convince them. In fact, the more sensitive they are, the more fragile their efforts to keep their relationship hidden become. Generally speaking, they cannot count on their official partner’s understanding, since asking them to be understanding on top of being cheated on would justifiably be asking too much. To be fair, “mistresses” often label the wives’ reactions as hysterical… but one might wonder if this isn’t a justified reaction, since for the wives—from their perspective—it represents a threat to their very existence and their family, as well as proof of their lack of appeal as a lover. So let it be said: their reaction is understandable, even when they use hysteria as a weapon against the husband.

Despite living in hiding, they try hard to ease the feeling of being in the shadows so that their friend doesn’t feel left out.

But when they decide to go out together, they’ll do so in places where they can be sure no one will recognize them, although cities are also increasingly conducive to secrecy. We should also note that all secrecy has its appeal as long as its goal is the charm of that “sweet little secret”…teasing our loved ones a little is a rather tempting prospect…

However, an extramarital affair based on a white lie causes the mistress to eventually find her life at a standstill, paralyzed. She, once a free person, must conform to the mold in order to be available …and the only consequence of this will be: waiting…waiting and waiting…

The lover of “the distant impossible”:

The emotional stress experienced by lovers when their partner lives or works far away seems relatively minor, since in this case they cannot spontaneously arrange to meet.

They need to come to an agreement and plan things carefully. In these cases, she doesn’t get desperate; she doesn’t experience that overwhelming uncertainty that defines the mistress’s life, since there is no state of passive waiting.

She is free to use her time as she pleases, and she enjoys both her time and her independence, since she has a long-term partner, which makes her feel less like a woman “in the shadows.”

On the other hand, the fact that he comes and then leaves leaves open wounds in his wake that take a while to heal.

Between independence and love, there are periods of inner emptiness and sometimes even bouts of genuine depression… “The Lover” needs time to swallow that knot of sadness until she becomes her usual self again until the next encounter, keeping the wait within certain limits (“positive longing”), as dreams, fantasies, and hopes resurface, becoming more pleasant the closer the moment of reunion draws, though they also long for an end to their life in the shadows.

What is it about them… that attracts women so much…

Loved ones can be described as anything… except for one thing… vulgar or run-of-the-mill men…

We’re not saying that what attracts “mistresses” is money or social status, but rather a type of man whom they unconsciously see as a role model.

And here’s the problem: they place excessive and perhaps unrealistic expectations on their partner…this is why they often voluntarily put themselves in the role of the “second woman.”

They admit outright that they are not willing to compromise on a certain intellectual, social, and aesthetic standard just to be in an intimate relationship.

“The Other” does not seek a relationship and commitment at any cost; with this selectivity, she meticulously analyzes the male market, and the tragic thing is that the ones who remain are precisely those blessed with high social and economic status.

It is hardly surprising to note that it is primarily men who hold high-ranking and prestigious positions who have mistresses.

A random survey yielded the following results: The list of adulterers is headed by those whose professional activities fall within the fields of the humanities or social sciences: 30% of married men who have a steady mistress are doctors, psychologists, teachers, or social workers.

This is not surprising when we consider that such activities not only offer them wonderful opportunities to connect with others, but also allow them to keep those secret friendships hidden. -22% are representatives of the natural sciences and the humanities—intellectuals or creators, such as physicists, linguists, designers, journalists, and theologians. -20% come from government and industry; they are executives, economic and financial advisors, or businesspeople. -15% hold well-paid positions in the field of commerce. -10% work in gastronomy. -3% are employees, technicians, and professionals in the service sector.

Although there is obviously no such thing as a “typical” adulterer, there are a number of common characteristics. Almost all unfaithful husbands are regarded by those around them as respectable, distinguished, capable, self-assured, intelligent, energetic, ambitious, dynamic, and persevering men.

Only a few, it seems, are described as homebodies, reserved, or rigid. The statistical average age is 37, and in their profession, they are not only respected and feared but also envied for their flexibility and leadership skills.

Three out of every four lovers describe their partners as the typical “successful person.” Their schedule is often incomprehensible to their family, as they embody the image of the “superman” who possesses multiple skills and is constantly on the move and getting things done… and although this is often the case, this also serves as a smokescreen to escape reality and slip away from time to time with “the other person.” Profile of lovers.

The necessity of secrecy creates a second reality; each person, living in their own world, finds themselves in a paradise of stolen moments, but that oasis comes at a price… both the unfaithful husband and the secret lover are forced to lead double lives.

She also has to deal with a drastic change in her habits—even in her daily life. Her friends get used to her sudden changes of plans; few jobs accommodate those key hours or days; at parties where families and couples gather, she’s always alone and often sad,etc… and all of this just to be available.

He always has a supply of white lies and excuses galore (meetings, overtime, business trips…) to ensure that privacy, although it’s essential that she adapt to those unpredictable interruptions—and, of course, she must have a strong, steadfast ego.

The archetype of the “modern mistress”

“Single women in search of true love,” independent women with demanding careers, with or without children:

The “new lover” stands out only for her intellect, sense of responsibility, and independence in all areas of life.

The average age of “today’s mistresses” is around thirty. They all live alone, but the divorced ones are more familiar with financial hardship than the single women, for whom their careers are of great importance—and this benefits them in every way.

They are not “mistresses by choice”; in fact, they have never accepted the status of a second wife. Only on rare occasions have they believed, like women in their forties, that they can enjoy the good things in life.

The typical “mistress” is, against her will and yet through her own fault, a woman in the shadows… since the modern adulterer is no longer the one who discreetly hides his wedding ring in his pants pocket, but rather lays his cards on the table right from the start of the romantic affair. In fact, numerous surveys show that ninety percent of mistresses knew their new lover’s marital status from the very beginning.

“Ex-wives and mothers with experience in marriage and family life:”

These are women who, after many years of marriage, end up separating.

In most cases, this major change in their lives occurs when their children are already adults or are beginning to become independent.

“Ex-wives and mothers” learn to appreciate their freedom and wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world. They wouldn’t consider remarrying for anything in the world, but they don’t rule out the idea of having a “casual, no-strings-attached” relationship.

For them, a married man is the ideal solution, since he guarantees them a healthy balance between “distance and closeness.”

Realizing that her age no longer allows her to compete, she has learned to lower her expectations. Of course, it always hurts to be number two. But those who love freedom accept those moments of bitterness, because in becoming independent, they have developed their own philosophy of life.

These women are characterized by a very healthy dose of self-interest and a distinctive skepticism that protect them from bitter disappointments, ensuring that they do not suffer from their status as “the Mistress” but instead keep their feet firmly planted on the solid ground of reality.

“Mature Lovers”:

Not all mature lovers have children or have had long-term partners in their lives.

These are women who find themselves alone after a series of failed relationships. When a mature woman with professional experience becomes a mistress, she does so—in most cases—of her own free will and not “to seduce a married man.”

In other words, “women over forty” don’t “run from the fire only to end up in the embers,” which is why a married man is seen as the ideal partner.

After a failed marriage or relationship, she can often fall in love again, gain validation and attention, without having to give anything in return. Few mature women find their private lives and daily routines compromised by their status as a second wife; they view their relationship with a married man with greater happiness and satisfaction and are largely unaware of the inner torment experienced by younger mistresses, whose suffering and conflicts ultimately overshadow their pleasure.

This happens because women over forty don’t have those romantic longings; instead, they yearn to enjoy the sensation of being alive, which involves a certain defensive superficiality and living “in the here and now.”

They have developed a healthy sense of self-interest that allows them to enjoy their role as lovers without causing anyone pain.

“Dissatisfied wives”—or those who feel neglected and are also seeking sexual stimulation outside of marriage:

The adulterous woman has become a reality, though not a visible one, in modern times, seeking not only emotional refuge but also carnal desire, which leads them to no longer be content with their marriage as the only means of physical fulfillment; for them, it is often a matter of balance, and they take it for granted that it is an exchange of emotions rather than a breakdown in their relationship with their legal partner.

“Bed-hunters”…women who pursue their ambitious career plans by sleeping with their boss:

Let’s start with the premise that there are more male executives than female executives…

For a woman, the path to independence or a leadership position is an obstacle course.

In a highly competitive job market, sleeping with the boss can be more than just an obstacle; according to many, it’s a “career springboard.”

The truth is that women are still discriminated against in the labor market and in their professional lives; wherever there are power imbalances, there is always someone who tries to take advantage of them.

From a theoretical standpoint, there is always the possibility that some women may benefit professionally from their role as the “boss’s mistress,” but emancipated, intelligent women with professional ambitions will surely weigh the risks of getting involved in such a venture very carefully.

Most of them are a few years younger than their suitors, and the truth is that they take full advantage of the wealth and social status of their friend, benefactor, or superior.

They place great importance on appearances and luxury, and they let themselves be pampered both sexually and financially. The only thing they have in common with typical“mistresses”is that both live their romances in the shadows.