Sex with a partner: quite a challenge

According to philosophers—especially religious ones—sex is the physical expression of love, but today sex is also understood as a biological need that our brain requires to balance the psychosomatic deficiencies and excesses that every human being accumulates in the normal course of life.

-Feeling desired and, at the same time, desiring someone—without there being any very clear rules or characteristics governing that physical attraction—drives us to have sex, since intercourse is where we become one with our partner.

That strong bond is biologically hardwired into our brains because it suppresses negative emotions thanks to a hormone called oxytocin, which is released in higher amounts when we become aroused and reaches its peak levels when men and women have an orgasm.

The first six months:

Attraction bridges the gap between us and a stranger who entices us with the thrill of the unknown, giving us the impetus to turn that distance into a closer relationship—and possibly something more.

If this attraction takes hold—the desire to possess the other person emotionally—it can lead us to become entangled in the problems of lust, blinding us to both the weaknesses and strengths of a budding relationship, bringing together two people who are completely incompatible or, conversely, at opposite extremes. Doubts arise between two lovers in a perfectly viable relationship, but one in which lust has ceased to provide the attraction, and this connection becomes more a feeling of friendship than of desire.

This is very common, especially among people who have had a very difficult childhood; even though they allow someone to get physically close to them, they find it difficult to translate that closeness into emotional intimacy.

Think about your past relationships and try to understand the patterns:

-What are you looking for in your relationships?

– How are you feeling?

-Has lust led you to get involved with inappropriate men or women?

Being attracted to someone doesn’t mean you’re compatible in a relationship, but at the same time, living together doesn’t require sharing everything—it does, however, require always respecting each other.

From six months to three years

The emotional bond that begins to form is the start of a lasting relationship.

Instead of being the embodiment of your fantasies, your beloved begins to reveal himself or herself as a normal person.

Sex can also become more complex, as individual sexuality merges into a shared sexuality in which both partners want to enjoy themselves together.

– How do you like to be touched?

-What turns him/her on?

-Are you more sexually responsive at night or in the morning?

Some couples find that once the passion has faded, it becomes more difficult for them to navigate the path from their daily lives to the sensual world of sex, and the closer they are to their partner, the less they desire them. It’s as if they’ve put love and desire into two separate boxes.

-Having a conversation is not the same as just talking, and talking is not the same as arguing or making demands.

-Enjoying life means living in the moment without worrying—at least for the next 4 hours.

-Everything changes, and everything can be adjusted as long as it is done by mutual agreement and responsibilities, preferences, and leisure time are shared equally.

After three years of living together:

While attraction and lust are based on the unknown and novelty, established sex is associated with stability, security, and comfort.

At this stage, sex is about making us feel like complete human beings.

A stable sex life is reassuring because it allows us to relax about the image we project to our partner.

But at the same time, stable sexual relationships can easily go from being comfortable to being predictable, causing the excitement and passion to fade.

There is also the danger of thinking that you know everything about your partner—or, even worse, assuming that your partner’s personality and tastes are unchanging and that change is therefore impossible.

– Let your creativity run wild on that special day: seduction doesn’t depend solely on the lingerie you wear (although that helps a lot)—the details, the fantasy, and the desire are the key.

– “Sex,” in particular, doesn’t always have to be “mature.” Let the child inside you out, and don’t “censor” yourself.

Maternity/Paternity:

The biological instinct to procreate can lead to passionate sexual encounters. Trying to start a family can strengthen your sex life.

Becoming pregnant or becoming a parent can also give both men and women confidence, self-esteem, and a greater sense of self. With emotions running high, couples can grow closer and form deeper bonds—even if they’re having sex less often than before.

However, when parenthood is viewed in a negative or problematic light, some couples come to see childbirth and breastfeeding as a dampener on their libido, since their vagina and breasts—which were once sources of attraction and pleasure—become merely functional.

For women, too, motherhood brings doubts and insecurities due to the possibility of losing their figure and all the challenges that come with caring for a baby during its first months and years.

– Patience, patience, and lots of patience in the early years.

– Once your baby has grown into a “little person” who talks and moves normally, “turn your bedroom into a haven of love” and put a lock on the door to ensure privacy. Explain to your children that, in addition to being their parents, you two love each other very much, and that they can always call you in case of an emergency.

Ages 12 and up:

A greater awareness of who we are boosts our self-confidence, and for many people, this usually happens during middle age.

In this era, the concepts we have held onto—both in the past and in the present—are being called into question; we often seek to reinvent our foundations, and we want to be more independent and live according to the experience we have accumulated.

We tend to view people, situations, and things through a more realistic lens, and what’s best for us and what others expect of us begins to sound like a long, tedious refrain in which the notes grow increasingly discordant.

These changes can affect a couple’s relationship if communication isn’t smooth or if one or both partners feel they are “obstacles” rather than “partners”; as a result, this is often a time of infidelity or relationship breakups if there isn’t a true mental and physical connection. On the other hand, physically speaking, no matter how pleasurable sexual relations may be, routine will inevitably set in. If we haven’t been able to understand our partner’s needs—or if our partner isn’t able to understand ours—physical attraction will fade, even if there is great affection between the two of us.

Other issues include our fears about aging and the loss of sexual potency, which can hinder the communication needed for our desire for change to set the relationship on a new and better course.

It is normal during this transition to go through breakups or live together without a committed relationship, only to restart the relationship after some time with a clearer understanding of what they want and need, who they are, what they give, and what they expect.

– If your partner is asking for a change, instead of getting “defensive” and staunchly defending your traditional sex life together, use your honesty to examine your own feelings about sex—what it means to each of you.

-Envision a new sex life, trying out and experiencing new sensations to rediscover the intimacy between lovers.

– Stepping outside the comfort zone that routine provides isn’t easy because we don’t question it, but at the same time, that comfort can stifle the desire to feel fulfilled and to possess our loved one; after all, sex is a pleasure and not a way to boost the ego, so let go of your inhibitions and try new sensations—in return, you might have to tolerate a tiny bit of rejection.

Struggling to remain as beloved as I am desired:

When your sex life is routine or infrequent, it’s easy to blame external factors.

If you want to improve your sex life, you need to view sex within the context of your relationship.

If there are unresolved issues, or if one partner feels that the other takes this “proper” but somewhat unsatisfying relationship for granted, unhappiness in your intimate life will slowly seep in, and no matter how good your technique or compatibility may be, the passion will fade from your sexual relationship.

Based on many experiences, couples who are dissatisfied with their love lives fall into one of these categories.

-More friends than lovers & dying of success:

The current trend is for our partner to also be our best friend; we are understanding and accept each other just as we are.

That sounds great in theory, but the fact that we’re close friends makes it harder for a couple to argue. So there may be no arguments, but there may also be no sexual attraction, and that’s because rivalry, passion, and desire are part of the thrill of intimately possessing the one you love—even when you feel so responsible for each other’s sexual happiness that it becomes overwhelming.

In any relationship, there needs to be both “us” and “me.” Too much “us” can cause a couple to lose sight of their individual identities, while too much “me” means there is no relationship. We can love and care for our partner, but we cannot control their life, and we certainly are not their psychologist.

Desire requires personal space to allow for a little mystery and rivalry; pursuing hobbies and cultivating separate interests can reignite interest by showing that each person can be interesting to the other.

– Do these separate paths complement each other?

While some couples are so close that they become like brother and sister, others are so distant that they become strangers.

These partners are aware of each other’s comings and goings; they greet each other when they get home but rarely truly connect with one another. If there’s no communication outside the bedroom, it’s highly unlikely they’ll connect inside it. Many couples blame their lack of desire on “communication” problems; it’s quite common for them to be communicating effectively (after all, there’s nothing clearer than not feeling desire and having sex in a functional but detached way), and even though they still want to grow closer, they’re unable to resolve their differences.

Truly, in this situation, we need to pay attention to the patterns in the relationship, rather than focusing on the latest argument; it’s important to shift the course of this more or less orderly coexistence and create a plan focused on eliminating everything that distracts us from living together intimately. Questions like, “What do we want from the relationship, and what bothers us or what are we missing?” can help dispel misunderstandings and habits that arise when a couple is stuck in a rigid routine.

-Mismatched levels of desire:

It’s very easy for one partner to take all the blame for a sexual problem, or for the couple to blame each other.

Communication doesn’t depend on just one or the other partner; rather, it’s a shared responsibility. The frequency of sexual desire doesn’t necessarily have to match just because a couple is “ideal” or “troubled”; what’s important is that it doesn’t happen on a rigid schedule—like “Saturday night is for sex”—nor as a reward for achieving a particular goal.

Sex between partners should be shared without forcing situations, and understood as a way to add pleasure to the ups and downs that life brings when living together.

-Expecting too much from our partner:

In successful and happy relationships, each partner takes care of the other. Traditionally, this meant earning enough money to meet material needs, cooking, cleaning, going on vacations, etc.

With this new mindset, if you suffer from low self-esteem, are angry, or feel unhappy, it often seems as though it must be because your partner hasn’t shown you enough support, has behaved badly, or doesn’t understand your needs.

But we need to ask ourselves whether our expectations of our partner’s behavior are too high, especially when we’re dealing with long-term health issues, stressful events, or grief… Sometimes we expect behaviors that would require our partner to be a social worker or an experienced therapist.